Doorstep Baby
by MrsBridgetSomerhalder
Summary: When the door bell rings I normally expect the pizza guy, Rose, or on occasion a male escort (joking, a stripper. Joking I swear). But this particular knock came with a wail, someone left their god damned kid on my doorstep… it does have pretty cute moss green eyes and a shock of copper hair. But still a BABY! The pizza man got my order wrong, clearly. My next pizza better be free.
1. Ready or not

**Chapter One – Ready or Not**

* * *

People say make lemonade out of lemons, but I figure, why do that when you can squirt them in people's eyes and make them cry. My life has been one long ride of lemons…squeezed in people's eyes.

I can't say it's been boring but I figured all that squeezing acid (weak acid) into people's eyes has finally come to bite me on the arse. The day was just like any other day.

Reneesme, my little twerp of a sister (only four years younger then me) decided I needed a lovely guy to bright up my oh soo gloomy dark existence. Yo ho, and behold, she set me up with Jacob, our oh so jailbait, family friend.

Don't get me wrong, great kid, not so great if I enjoy my freedom. And believe me orange jumpsuits just aren't good with my skin tone.

I'd like to say this was like any normal date but alas, it cannot be so.

Jake was forty minutes late and wearing a Nickleback shirt, jeans and converse to a high end restaurant, I think Ren forgot to mention that _Bella Italia_, isn't McaDonalds and who the hell likes Nickleback still?!

I wish I could stop there and say it all went swell, but no…it gets worse…

You see Jake is an ungainly teenager who has got about the same co-ordination as me. None.

I got up, he leaned down to kiss my cheek and need less to say, he got a lovely look down my shirt and was introduced to the twins.

_Oh, but it can only get better from here, right? WRONG._

We ordered our food, made polite conversation, before Jake excused himself and ran straight into another server carrying a tray of food, it all happened in slow motion.

My nude coloured dress was clean and my plate was empty and in matter of seconds my dress had meatballs and spaghetti strewn all over it and my empty plate had, what I can only assume, was half a salad and chicken.

I picked a meat ball out of my hair and ate it…

"The spaghetti is a little dry."

* * *

The only solace I had, whilst taking a cab back to my apartment complex, was that the guys were coming over to watch a football match today.

"… So I'd like one supreme pizza, two cheese pizzas and one pepperoni and cheese," I had mates coming over for a football match. The lady on the phone told me what my total was plus the delivery fee and hung up.

I brought out the beer and placed it on the coffee table, along with chips.

BUUUZZZZ

"Damn that was fast," I buzzed the pizza boy up without asking who it was. My mistake, I've become far too trusting these days. There was a sudden knock at the door.

"Two seconds!" I called out putting the last of the snacks on to the coffee table.

I finally got to the door only to hear a baby wail, I thought nothing of it until I opened the door. No pizza man was there; I checked left and right of the corridor, but there was that high pitched wail again so I looked down. Behold, to my surprised was a baby…

"Oh they sooo fucked up my order, if I don't get free pizza, someone is going to fucking die," I growled but took the kid inside anyway.  
I wasn't too keen on figuring out the gender of the baby who was insistently wailing. However, it had a nice set of moss green eyes and a shock of copper hair.

"Look kid, I don't do well with crying… Like at all," but it continued.

So much for being diplomatic.

"I'll buy you a car if you stop crying," I smiled, but no luck, the baby stared at me and cried louder making my ears bleed.

I wasn't the fondest person of kids, I picked it up at arms length, this reminded me of the first time I picked up my little, harebrained, annoying, twat of a sister…. She spat up all over me. This day just wasn't my fucking day.

And this went no better, I stared down at my soiled clothes, "this is going to be the start of a beautiful friendship," I commented dryly, the kid beamed at me.

* * *

_**Hey guys! Let me know if I should continue or just give up! **_

_**Remember we thrive on reviews :D**_

_**Love B **_


	2. 3 AM

**Chapter Two – 3 A.M.**

* * *

By the time the boys had come they'd brought the pizza up with them and paid the lad. So that means, pizza man/woman, took the right order and some twat got the wrong door when they decided to leave the kid.

James was the first to stumble in, along with Emmett, Alec, Marcus and Rosalie. Emmett eyed the baby, "Bells, don't get me wrong, I love ALL food, but babies… I can't do it, man. I won't eat it," Emmett crossed his arms over his chest and eyes the baby.

"Yes Emmett, on today's menu is a baby, deal with it," I rolled my eyes. "Some dumbass left this on my door step, I don't know what to do with it and I don't know whose it is," I glared at the all.

"Are you sure? I mean I wouldn't be surprised if you had a baby," James wrapped an arm about my shoulders.

"As my twin brother, how does feel calling me a whore in front of witnesses?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. Emmett and Rose snicker, Alec was staring at the ceiling with a large smile. Marcus on the other hand was clapping loudly whilst James rubbed his eyes furiously. When Emmett finally realised that I was his sister too, he flipped out and punched James hard on the shoulder. James muttered 'bitch.'

"Oh the fucking mental images," James cried, Rose swiftly slapped him upside the head.

"Language!"

"Emmett, tame your woman!" James yelled earning him a slap from both our older brother and Rosalie.

I rolled my eyes; we come from a pretty big family. Mum and Dad loved having the house full of screaming and laughter, we lived in Burwood, New South Wales, Australia, in one hell of an oversized house.

Or at least we did, Emmett, James and I, all moved out, we've still got a younger sister and a younger brother living at the house with our parents and we go back when we feel nostalgic and spend a few nights there.

Two nights max, before we all run screaming back to our quiet apartments. Two nights is all it takes for Mum and Dad to scare us away.

"Shut up and sit down, idiot," Emmett muttered and James complied, shrugging his arm as if to say, '_I tired to tame the shrew_.'

Marcus and Alec had settled themselves into the couches and had begun drinking, not batting an eyelash at the baby.

Emmett turned to the twins with a sceptical look, "y'all aren't going at address the fact Bella has a baby?"

Alec turned to me and then blinked at the kid, "nah…we all make mistakes," he shrugged nonplussed.

"I've been working with you two asswads for three years, we have lunch together all the time at university. Don't you think, you'd notice if I got pregnant?" I glared.

Alec and Marcus shared a look, before they spoke in eerie unison, "too be honest, no, we're not that observant. You could bring a dead guy to have lunch with us and we probably wouldn't notice," they shrugged and turned their attention back to the game.

Rosalie took the baby out of my hands, "you shouldn't hold children at arms length," she frowned, "they need to be nurtured, not feared."

The evil twins finally reared their ugly head and stared at Rosalie with open mouths, "…she's…."

"Motherly…." So much for being oblivious.

"Yeahhh, it's freaky," James added, the twins nodded.

Emmett looked like he couldn't give to shits either way; his attention was drawn to a rattle. A baby's rattle.

This is my twenty four year old brother…

I looked through the….well, I don't have a clue as to what you call it, so I'll deem it the spawn's means of transport. I found some clothes, toys, nappies, formula, a bottle and finally a letter. A thick, ass letter.

There was no handwriting on the envelope so I opened it hesitantly. I prayed deeply for it to be a practical joke Mum and Dad were playing on me, or Ren, even Benjamin (our youngest brother who's about thirteen). But alas, it was not to be.

_Dear Edward, _

_You have a daughter; I want nothing to do with the brat, here's all the documents and a legal document singing over all of my parental rights. _

_Tanya. _

Well that was succinct. Tanya seems like a LOVELY lady. She just exudes motherly qualities. There was a stack of legal documents, I found one piece of paper that was her birth certificate.

"Her name is…. April," I frowned, what a shitty name, I thought dryly.

"Where are May, June and July?" James supplied happily, Alec and Marcus chuckled before screaming 'GOAL!' And fist bumping.

"God, I hope they don't turn up at my door step too," I snickered.

"Well, I shall dub thee, Doorstep Baby, and you can call me, WAAAAHH," I stared at the baby who was entranced with Rosalie, usually women don't look at her like that, it's more the men that ogle her. But this baby was definitely checking her out. "I shall be your ever, faithful servant."

Or maybe I've had too much beer, I frowned. _Maybe that's it! Too much alcohol, alcohol induced nightmares, I mean babies don't ogle people… right? Or turn up on people's doorsteps…_

Emmett begun shaking the rattle over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over before James whacked it out of his hand, sending it sailing through my window.

_Ah_, my dysfunctional family.

"Lucky the window was open this time," I glowered at James who shrugged sheepishly.

"Not so lucky for the guy with the new shiny Volvo," Emmett leaned out the window, "he'll definitely need a new windscreen," Emmett passed casually.

I groaned, "isn't it bad enough I have a kid to look after, but now I owe some guy a new windscreen," Emmett shrugged peevishly, glaring at James who was laughing.

"If assward over here hadn't whacked it out of my hand it wouldn't be embedded into some poor bastard's windscreen," Emmett thumped James on the back of the head which started a wrestling match which diverted Alec and Marcus' attention.

"Twenty on Emmett," Alec turned to his brother.

"You're on."

Rose handed me the baby and broke up the fight before it could get any more serious then the already broken vase and lamp, luckily this was the non-expensive shit.

Whenever the guys came over, I made sure to put out the shitty stuff and hide the expensive furniture (however when they turn up, unannounced there's very little time to hide everything, including the food).

Rose held both men by their ears, reducing them to whiney little boys.

"Rose!" They both yelped.

"Grow up!" She twisted their ears making me wince. I've been on the receiving end of one of those, and they fucking sting.

Alec and Marcus murmured what a shame neither of them would find out the winner of that bet and went back to the game between the Eels and Mainly.

I put the kid back in the spawn's means of transport capsule, and gently pushed it back and forth, her eyes begun to get sleepier and sleepier until finally they were closed and she was in La La land.

"Guys, a bit of help? What do I do with it?"

"Her," Rose interjected.

"I mean I can't keep it," I frowned, ignoring Rose on the whole.

"Well to be honest, you could. You are pretty good with kids," Both my brothers interjected one after the other.

"Just because I'm good with them doesn't mean I want one," I rolled my eyes.

"Well I ain't taking it," Emmett shook his head, "hmm, hmm, hmmmmm, this man," he point both his thumbs at himself, "ain't taking that cantankerous, pooping machine back to my man cave," Emmett frowned openly at the baby.

"Oh come on babe, it'd be like training for when we have kids of our own," Rose smiled sweetly at Em, who stared at Rose with concerned eyes.

"…. You're-"

"No you oaf!" Rose glared, "I mean when we eventually have kids," Emmett blew out a relieved sigh.

"No way Rose, I have work at five tomorrow morning, I don't need a wake up call at 2am," he shook his head, Rose pouted but didn't push it further.

"Anyone else want a kid?" I asked hopefully.

"Hell no," resonated through the air.

"Looks like it's me and you, Doorstep Baby," I sniffled loudly.

* * *

The night proceeded with the Eels winning making everyone happy, all trace of food being here was missing by the end of the night and the baby was sleeping on the better half of my bed with a fort of pillows around it. God damned kid.

I completely forgot about the car and the damaged windscreen until I heard someone swear very loudly. I woke up drowsily and managed to get into the lounge room without hurting myself, I looked out the window to find a guy wearing blue coloured pants.

_Who the fuck left my window open?_

_No wonder it's so freaking cold in this dump_! I watched quietly as the man was murmuring something, my apartment was one floor off of the ground, so it was quiet easy to hear some things, like the that couple who were swingers putting roofies into their neighbours drinks…

He was kicking the car, that was until he found the rattle and then begun swearing louder.

"A fucking rattle? Who the fuck would throw a rattle, at a car?! What the fuck were they thinking?!" He threw it out and glared at the windscreen.

"I'm going to be so fucking late, Dad's going to have my hide," he hissed and made his way to the bus stop. It was a little too dark to discern his facial features, especially since I didn't have contacts or glasses on, but his bright blue pants were…well, you could see them from a mile away.

I didn't really want to say, 'yo-ho, my brother kind of whacked that rattle out of my other brother's hand and into another brother's car. That 'another brother' would be you, despite the fact I'm talking like a ghetto black person I am white and well this is how I talk at…. THREE AM! Fuck, it's too early for this shit, and as if on cue, the baby started wailing. Loudly.

Life couldn't get any sweeter then right now, I thought dryly.

* * *

**Hopefully this was a little bit funnier then the last chapter!**

**Enjoy! **

**And as always leave a review with favourite bits or questions :)**

**Love B**


	3. Is It Any Wonder?

**Chapter Three- Is It Any Wonder?**

* * *

Lucky it's a Saturday and this brat has at least, two thirds of my attention. Without my usual eight hours of sleep, my daily functionality was off its course, and to make up for being out of balance, I drank at least a litre of coffee.

I could barely keep my head up whilst feeding the evil spawn, she kicked her legs and arms in happiness, I assumed. It was kind of cute, her eyes were half open as she sucked on the bottle, she looked no older then six months.

"Well Doorstep Baby, don't you think you could give me another two hours worth of sleep tonight? I mean, I promise to find who ever really owns you… soon, but I have loads of work to get through today," I murmured tiredly, she merely looked up at me curiously.

Mr Twinkles begun scratching at the door, and I opened it using the hand that was holding the baby, still managing to feed the kid.

Mr Twinkles food was already all set in the laundry room, I watched as he arrogantly walked to where his food was, purring as if to say, _'hey bitch, I'm back. I'll be out in two minutes, flat. Word.' _Yes, in my head, the cat sounds like a pimp. I can't help it.

_Whore of a cat._ See, Mr Twinkles stays when he feels like it, much like your friends with benefits guy.

Doorstep Baby finally finished and I burped her and then placed her back on to the floor where a blanket was put down for her.

All those years of looking after Benjamin and Ren are finally coming in handy.

Doorstep Baby was on her back fist pumping like a boss when I got another cup of coffee, Mr Twinkles was sniffing the baby out. Mr Twinkles gave his stamp of approval and curled up right next to the kid.

"Traitor," I glared, and it 'meowed,' back as if to say, _'the kid is cuter then you, what of it?' _

I got a phone call from Rosalie but I couldn't really make heads or tails of what she was talking about.

"Hey…hmmm…yeah…cool…he did…"

"BELLA!"

"FUCK YES?!" I screamed loudly, Rosalie hung up and just barged through my front door twenty minutes later. I regret giving my mates and brothers a spare key to my apartment.

I was half asleep with the cat on my face and my arm around the kid, on the floor of my lounge.

I woke thinking I was being suffocated by a black and white fury pillow, only to have Mr Twinkles leisurely slide off my face and stare back at me with his huge green slitted eyes, _'what the fuck is your problem man? I was sleeping peacefully, bitch.' _

"Grow the fuck up, Twinkles," I glared.

"That's it, whenever you swear you'll owe me a dollar coin," Rose glared, and I frowned.

"I'll be broke by the end of the week," I cried, never mind the fact she got into my apartment and is now harassing me. To ask me to pay every time I did the one thing that came naturally seemed heinous.

"It'll teach you to be more-"

"Uptight and bitchy, I know," I smiled lovingly.

"Two dollars, now," she held her hand out expectantly.

"You can maybe pull one out of my arse," and then she hit me upside the head.

"Just like Mum," I glared, "there's one on the kitchen counter, I think," I glowered. Rose had some how gotten the baby, and I flopped back down on the blanket, squishing Mr Twinkles to my chest as I slept.

* * *

I usually have Saturday off of work because James and Emmett plan something stupid, and as per usual, I attend increasing the stupidity level to bounds never been reached before. But tonight I had to pass, taking a baby to the club wouldn't help me get my mind off work and the overly at tentative fellow, Jake.

Instead I focused my attention on the copper haired little girl who was fast tracking her way into my heart. _Bloody hell._

"DON'T ROLL OFF THE BLANKET DOORSTEP BABY!" I laughed as she rolled away, it was the cutest thing I'd ever seen. She took no heed of my warning and continued rolling, when she gets to her back she'd pause and then giggle a bit and then roll again, I couldn't help but tape it.

I picked her up and tossed her into the air and caught her, her ringlets bounced in the air and the sun discovered a few red tints. "My, my, your dad is going to have a hard time batting men off of you, Doorstep Baby," I smirked, watching as she giggled holding her arms out for another toss in the air.

"Sorry squirt, the magical toss up is only conducted once a day," I mockingly frowned. I did the same to my younger siblings and remembered how much they loved it.

I checked her birth certificate, born on the 23rd of August, this little terror is a couple of weeks off, of six months.

Mr Twinkles began scratching at the door wanting to get out, after letting him out I heard the couple next door arguing…again.

"See Doorstep Baby, this is what they do every Saturday and then they go have hot make up sex… I should know, I'm awoken by it all the time," I glared at their door before shutting my door. The baby kicked her legs, shoving her fist into her mouth.

"You know some day when you're older and can still do that, some guy is going to pay to see that," I winked at her. "Don't tell your dad I said that. Aw heck you probably won't even remember," I smirked.

She looked at me blandly but continued the, 'must-eat-fist' mission.

I frowned and went into the kitchen, grabbing a cookie I went into the study and pulled out all the bills and went back to the lounge to find the kid snuggling on the ground with her entire fist in her mouth.

"That can't be healthy," I looked down at her with a face of mild amusement, kneeling down I gently pried her hand out of her mouth.

"No eating hands, bad girl," I tried to look stern, her wide moss green eyes started to tear up and I had the immediate feeling to run and take cover.

Her face scrunched up and she wailed throwing punches and high kicks, I glared.

"I'm not falling for that, I know that face! Hell, I invented that face!" I cried just like her, she was going to explode.

I heard her fart and then her face relaxed into a smile, but I could smell it and I must have looked at her in horror. I called the one person I could trust.

"ROSE WE HAVE A CODE BLUE!"

"Code blue? I'm at work, is this really important?"

"Is it important?! OF COURSE CODE BLUE IS IMPORTANT!" I yelled.

"…Your last code blue was that you couldn't find your favourite black sock…not socks…sock…" she deadpanned; I could imagine her ice blue eyes cutting into my sapphire ones.

"ROSIE!"

"Okay, relax, I'll use my lunch break now," she sounded annoyed.

I hung up and stayed away from the baby. Doorstep Baby, was now amusing herself by putting her fist back into her mouth, I'll be damned if I ever take it out.

Rose got here in ten minutes, it helps living in the city, it's close to all the important places (Rose and Emmett's work, James' apartment, to the best bars, etc, etc).

She stopped at the door and sniffed, making a retching noise, "what's that smell?" she got out, I swiftly pointed to the content baby on the blanket. "Are you telling me you've never changed a dirty nappy before?" she looked at me blandly, blinking a few times.

"I have, but I never thought I'd ever have to do it again!" I wailed, this is the cool part about Emmett's girlfriend; she is also my best friend. We've known each other since we were in dippers and our older brothers are great mates too.

However Jasper is currently in America for business, and Rose is the only source of sanity we have (mixed in with some blunt bitchiness).

"I'm not doing it," Rose shook her head, her fringe falling into her eyes, Emmett usually brushes it back, so I did it for him.

"What the hell?" she glared.

"Standing in for Emmett, in this hour of need," I murmured compassionately, holding one hand over my heart. "Look Rosie posie, I changed dippers ten years ago, things might have changed since then," I looked at her seriously.

"Oh yeah, the procedure for changing a dirty nappy has changed so much in ten years, these days they prescribe you rub the baby's poo all over them and then put the new one on its head and set it into the wilderness…" she glared at me.

"Seriously? I mean I watched that on the discovery channel, I didn't-"

She hit me. The bitch hit me.

"Change the kid's dipper, meanwhile I'm raiding your fridge!" she declared.

"But you did that this morning, and now there's nothing to eat," I pouted sullenly, staring at her retreating blonde head.

"Such a bitch, such a mother fucking bitch," I hissed picking up the baby.

"THREE DOLLARS IN THE JAR!"

"My wallet is in my bedroom," I glared. "Okay, I can do this, I can do this. I will not vomit like last time. I will change your dipper. I will conquer my fear of poo," April looked at me with her wide mossy eyes, challenging me.

"I'm loosing my mind, cat's talking? Babies challenging me?" I shook my head and looked through the spawn's capsule to find some nappies and wipes, I brought a plastic bag, whipped the dirty dipper off her bottom and shoved it into the plastic bag, used the wipes to get all the poo off of her bottom and then a few more for extra measure, I quickly sealed the bag and threw it to Rose who caught it and threw it in the bin, the woman has eyes behind her head, I swear it.

I put some powder on her bottom and slipped the dipper on and she grinned at me. "You are evil, this is someone's cruel way of getting back at me for pulling pranks isn't it?" I cursed at the ceiling. I pawned the kid off to Rose who was happily eating my left over lasagne.

I went to grab the air freshener and skipped around the house spraying citrus fresh, bullcrap to cover the horrible baby poo smell.

"Hello," Rose was playing with the creeper.

I was stuck calling up Optus, water, origin to pay off my bills. I glared as Rose played peek-a-boo with Doorstep Baby.

I peeked outside to see the shiny Volvo still there with a lovely crack in its windshield.

After becoming out of pocket five hundred and thirty bucks, I was almost amused to find the baby had spat up all over Rose.

"She likes you…a lot," I smirked, Rosalie glared at me and I couldn't help but chuckle. That will come back and bit me in the arse.

* * *

I chose the subjects for my final year of university. I smiled to myself, James was also doing Med Science at USYD, he declared he'll be moving into my apartment mid February. He declared this without consulting me after ranting on about how he was going to get lung cancer soon and drop dead thanks to his room mate, Amum. A very, very attractive pre-law student who looks like an Arabian prince. But on a sour not, _yay, can't wait for James to move in and eat all my food_, I thought dryly.

James and I had relatively well paying jobs, in fact we both had two jobs considering it's our university break and we thought why not earn while we can, however my contract with the Redfern Council is ending this week. I frowned and shook unpleasant thoughts and stared at Doorstep baby,

Doorstep Baby was staring at me with gooey eyes and I frowned, "I probably need to get some furniture for you, huh? I mean, who knows how long you'll be here," I rolled my eyes and then inspiration struck.

I called Mum up and was greeted accordingly.

"Okay, what have you done this time Bella?" she asked in her soprano voice.

"Couldn't I be calling to ask how you and the old man, are doing?" I asked casually, I think my mother may have chocked on her spit.

"You finally noticed our existence!, I must tell your father the terrific news!" She murmured sarcastically whilst laughing, "what can I do for you, sweetheart?" I could hear her smile and picturing it made me smile.

"Mum I need all of Benjamin's and Ren's old baby crap."

There was a long pause before I could hear gasps, "Mum? Are you okay?"

Mum begun screaming loudly, "CHARLIE! CHARLIE! CHAAAARRLLLLIIIEEE!"

I held the phone away from my ear, and stared at the receiver, "That could have gone better."

"SHE'S PREGNANT! OUR LITTLE BABY IS PREGNANT! I EXPECTED THIS FROM REN BUT NOT STRAIGHT LACED BELLA ELLA!"

_Straight laced Bella Ella? What the fuck. Is she seven kinds of fucking crazy? _

"SHE'S WHAT! WAIT TELL I GET MY HANDS ON HER AND THAT BASTARD THAT KNOCKED HER UP!" Charlie's booming voice reverberated around my apartment. It was somewhat good to know they had faith in me and very little in their youngest daughter.

"You know if y'all stopped yelling for about, oh forty seconds, I could tell you I found a kid on my door step and I'm not spawning/spawned one myself," I rolled my eyes, but they were still yelling, screaming at one another about how to murder this said father of my, non-existent, child. I waited patiently, tapping my fingers on the kitchen counter top, I watched as the kid played with another rattle I found in the capsule.

I waited it out patiently and dwelled on how quickly that escalated. They were still plotting murder, I was busy munching on a muesli bar and the kid was starting to fall asleep.

Charlie finally picked up the phone, "I'll need the address, name and description of the bastard," he ordered grumpily. I imagined his moustache twitching angrily and the vein on his forehead-protruding out.

"Calm down, old man. I'm not pregnant, some idiot left their kid on my door step," I rolled my eyes and Charlie stopped breathing for a few seconds.

"Are you sure you weren't pregnant for the last nine months?" he asked half seriously.

"Dad…this kid is six months old and looks nothing like me," I glared at a cabinet.

"Renee! She's not pregnant and the kid isn't the anti Christ's spawn!" Charlie bellowed.

"Just for future reference, am I the anti Christ?" I asked only half pleased with the nickname.

"Of course, who else would fit the bill?"

"Ren," I said in a duuhh kind of voice.

"Oh no, she's medusa," Charlie add conversationally,

"Funnily enough, I can see that," I nodded in agreement.

"How was the date with Jake?" Charlie asked in laughter.

"Dad, he's fifteen…almost sixteen," I rolled my eyes.

"Jailbait is always the best, right love?!" he called out to Renee.

"SHITAKE MUSHAROOMS! I DON'T NEED TO KNOW!" I yelled into the receiver, my parents had little (more like gigantic) old, Emmett at seventeen.

Dad was twenty; you can see how well that went with Mum's parents….

They ended up getting married having four more kids and have been happily married for twenty-four years and more to come.

So no, Emmett isn't a fatherless child (a.k.a bastard, I just don't want to give another dollar. I don't think I have any more coins).

Charlie's laughter sounded demonic, Renee's cackles made me wince, they're evil, but I guess that's what makes them work. "Look can you just send over all of their baby crap so I can use it, I mean I'd come over and pick it up, but there's no one to look after the kid," I rolled my eyes (a nasty habit I just can't shake off).

"Oh, we'll be there," Charlie hung up, no bye, love you, see you soon.

My parents are definitely…_unique._

I was cleaning the apartment and keeping an eye on the kid when they all burst in and made themselves comfortable, Benjamin was sitting upside down on the couch, Ren was sitting cross legged on the floor, Mum was cooking in the kitchen and Dad was watching the news on the TV.

I had to check that it was my apartment and that I hadn't been teleported back to my childhood home.

"How long have y'all been there?" I asked, the Swan's are not known for stealth. Well that's a lie, we're really good at stealth, co-ordination isn't our thing though.

"Ten minutes," Benjamin answered in a deep voice.

"Dude, did your balls drop?" I asked half serious.

Benjamin blushes (oh, we all blush except for Ren and Emmett, really weird), "no, man, this is not a convo I want to have with my sister," he looked at me as if I had two heads.

"Righteo dude," he was going through a phase of cutting words down and adding letters, for instance he says defs (definitely), yogo (yoghurt), foshow (for sure) and well I don't know the rest of them.

He continued looking at the TV upside down, I did what any sister would do, I pushed his feet, hence making him fall to the ground in a clatter of mixed limbs with Ren.

"Fudge you freak, can't you stand still?" Ren yelped, Benjamin muttered curses that had Charlie glaring at him and Renee 'tsking.'

"Bella threw me off the couch," Benjamin accused.

"No one likes a tattle tale," Dad smirked, "plus, you know the rules, if we didn't see it, it didn't happen."

I love my dysfunctional family.

Benjamin glared at me with his chocolate brown eyes, I smacked my lips together and made kissy faces.

Mum had picked the kid out of the capsule and woken it up, "oh my, she's a looker," she gushed.

"Oh yeah, and quite the pooper too," I snickered, Doorstep Baby was rubbing her eyes and kicking her legs angrily, Mum begun soothing her and murmuring lord knows what.

"Where's all the baby stuff?" I asked hesitantly.

"Outside," Dad shrugged, "in the ute," Dad grinned at me, "and some are in that rust piece of crap your mother calls, 'the learning car,'

Ahh, the learning car, Ren was on her L's, hence the learning car, Emmett, James and I all learnt how to drive in that rusty old shit box. Mum hated it, but thought, if any of the cars were going to be dented, it'd be the rusty piece of shit sitting in the backyard. Hence the 'learning car.'

"Come on guys! I need it all set up, between work and work, I have to find its dad," I grunted as Benjamin threw a cushion at my face. "Funny."

"I try," Benjamin grinned. I grabbed the pillow and slammed it back in his face with more force, which was required.

Clearly, Mum nor Dad saw that. "Guys can you all start moving and putting everything into the apartment?" I asked half tired.

"Fine," Dad got up, he pouted like a four year old, Mum kissed him on the pout, with the kid in her arms.

"Stop being a baby," she rolled her eyes (I get the eye rolling from her).

I helped them bring in an over load of baby shit into the apartment.

After about an hour we'd unloaded everything, all of us were standing in front of the pile looking at it with mixed faces of wonder.

"This is everything we all used?" Ren piped in, Mum merely nodded.

"Oh yeah, this is all of it," Dad cocked his head to the left.

"Some how, I thought there'd be more," Benjamin muttered, he comes up to about my waist.

"You, me, both kiddo," I snickered, using my left leg to suavely kick him in the back of the knee, making him jump forward.

"Oh pish posh, we threw out most of James, Bella and Emmett's baby stuff. They became out-dated, but we kept the crib, and basinet, you've all slept in them at one point," Mum's smile got wistful, Dad wrapped an arm about her waist.

"How did you fit James and Bella into the basinet?" Ben asked looking at it from all angles, whilst shooting laser beams at me.

"Simple, we rolled Bella into a ball and James would cuddle her," Dad snickered.

"Oh shut up, we both fit into it fine, we were pretty tiny," I glared at Dad who smiled blithely.

James came barging into my apartment and fell into the pile of the baby crap.

"Well hello, dear, long time no see…" Mum greeted jovially.

James was grunting loudly.

* * *

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	4. Oh My Goodness

**Chapter Four- Oh My Goodness**

* * *

James moved his head up and looked at us all-standing there muffling our laughter, he groaned and slammed his head back down.

"Say son, that was quiet a fall you took there," Dad murmured, his shoulders still shaking with laughter.

"Why are you all here?" he muttered into the baby's stuff, his hands divided into mass he was lying on and pulled out a blue blanket. "BLANKIE," he hell it close to his side.

"Oh get off the baby's stuff," I kicked his butt.

James rolled off the stuff, muttering and murmuring something under his breath, he was staring at the ceiling with his blankie clutched to his chest. Everyone moved around him and looked down.

"How was work, dear?" Mum asked, the baby giggling and James' goofy expression.

"Oh work was great, I found my future wife. That's what I came here to say," James went on as if nothing out of the ordinary had occurred.

Emmett was next to barge in and topple over the baby crap, he grunted and rolled off just like James. Except he landed on top of James.

"Bells, when did you get such a comfy rug?" he asked in all seriousness, our entire family gawked at him.

"And why is everyone here?" he asked, looking at James' hand poking out from under him, the hand that held he blanket, "OOOOHH BLANKIE!" he snatched it and got off James, clutching it to his chest.

James was still trying to breath, Mum and Dad were in fits of laughter, Benjamin was back on the couch upside down and Ren was on her mobile phone texting someone.

"This…family….is…..weird…" James got out between gulps of air.

"Aw little brother, we're not weird, we're united. By the way, when the hell did you get here? And, why are you wheezing?" Emmett asked seriously.

I watched with wry amusement, our family was most definitely abnormal.

"Been here for a while, fat ass, for a while." He repeated snatching the blanket out of Em's hand. "And that's MY blankie," he glared.

"I was born-"

I tuned out and just stared at them, before going off into La La Land myself.

The only thing that brought me back to reality Dad shaking me awake.

"Right so, where do you want the crib?"

"In my room, thanks," Dad went to go put the crib together whilst Em and James argued over the blanket still, they were playing tug-o-war with it.

That was until Ren came up with a pair of scissors and cut it into two equal halves.

"There, now shut the fudge up," Ren muttered exasperated.

Both men stoped and looked between the two pieces of the blanket and begun wailing loudly, "BLANKIE! WHYYY BALNKIE! NOOOO!"

Mum and Dad shared looks of exasperation and just left it. I, on the other hand slapped them both.

"IF I DON'T GET TWENTY MINUTES OF PEACE AND MOTHER FUCKING QUIET SOMEONE WILL DIE. MARK MY WORDS, SOMEONE WILL DIE!"

It worked well, silence was enthralled around the apartment, I closed my eyes happily and fell asleep on the floor. Unfortunately the dream was about Rose telling me to put another dollar into the jar.

"She's so bossy," James grunted.

"Tell me about it," Emmett agreed.

* * *

Finally, everyone left after Dad set up the crib and basinet, I thanked my lucky stars that there was finally silence… except for the baby gurgling, but I could easily ignore that, she was in her basinet, happily playing with a toy all my siblings shared.

A teddy bear, it's had a lot of work on it, two mismatched eyes, and a flowery bottom after our dog Nacho bit teddy's arse off.

Closing my eyes and sighing heavily, sleepy time for Bella. That was until I heard the groaning from next door and the consistent thumping that gets faster and louder and then drops down in volume. This wasn't the couple I heard before, oh no, this was the guy living on the other side. I hardly ever see him, however on rare occasions, like this, I hear him having sex with someone or going to town on himself.

I can only assume the guy living next to me was getting some and not via his right hand.

I was mildly jealous, until I heard her roar…_who the hell roars?_

I quickly locked the door and closed the windows, the lady had to be fifty shades of fucked up or maybe she was the chick from fifty shades of gray (that is one story I don't think I could ever pick up and read).

I took Doorstep Baby into my room and set her down on the bed, she was still peacefully playing with Teddy.

I made a pillow forte so she wouldn't roll onto the ground, bang her head and then get brain damage like Emmett and James. To clarify that latter statement is merely a theory.

I forgot to ask James about his future bride, and Emmett about why he stopped by, I shook my head and went over the letter.

Edward isn't a common name, surely he'll be easy to find, especially if this Tanya person thought he lived here, maybe he does live in this building but she got the number wrong. Edward sounded like an old grumpy guy's name.

I checked with the landlord.

"Well Bella, there's over sixty apartments," Mike sounded rather confused, "from memory there's about six Edwards living in this building," Mike's dad owned the entire complex and I paid my rent to his son (who has qualities of an over sized mole).

"Six Edwards… Joy," I glared at the wall behind Mike's head. "Can I get the apartment numbers?"

"I can't really disclose that sort of information," he waggled his eyebrows, "but I might be persuaded to on that date you promised me for this information," oh did I forget to mention I had to bribe Mike for the information. He's been asking me out for the past two years, which still grates on my nerves.

But free dinner does sound swell, and if it all goes well, Doorstep Baby will throw up all over him and I can go home with the biggest dorky smile on my face, sleeping with him was definitely out of the question.

Rose dropped by after work and was at the apartment looking after the kid.

"Sure, pick me up at eight?"

"Deal," his smile was bright as dumb blondes who think they've gotten the guy. I raced my way down to find the roaring lady exiting the apartment; she had strawberry coloured hair and golden eyes. Definitely a model. I didn't dwell on that, instead I went back to my apartment and found Rose feeding the spawn.

"Any luck?" Rose looked up from the cherub like baby.

"Ningún hombre," I rolled my eyes, "there's six living in this building," I cried, flopping down onto the couch. "I like sleep Rose, I don't know the last time I had eight hours of sleep!" I declared.

"It's only been one day," Rose looked at me as if I was stupid.

"ONE DAY TOO MANY! ONE DAY TOO MANY!"

* * *

The next morning I went on a crusade, I knocked on the guy living next door, you know, the one that had cat lady. At any rate, he wasn't home and I didn't bother with the other next-door neighbour, his name is Laurent.. plus he has a wife.

Rose looked after baby and I went on _'mission find Doorstep Baby's daddy.'_

I started with my floor and moved upward, I got five numbers, two angry wives and one hell of a weird old man.

I knocked on old man's he greeted me accordingly, "hello lovely, what can I do for you?"

_You could put some clothes on, _

"Are you Edward?" I asked, trying so hard not to laugh.

"I can be your Edward," the old man smirked.

"So your name isn't Edward?" I asked again only mildly amused that he was hitting on me.

"I could be, though," _what an evasive old man._

"In that case never mind, good day err…" I quickly turned around and ran for my apartment.

I barged in to find Rose feeding Doorstep Baby, "you look… flustered," Rose squinted looking at me as if I were a specimen.

"You would be too, if you saw what I saw," I grunted, Doorstep Baby was kicking her legs whilst drinking. "It's burned into my grey matter, I feel sick," I made a face.

"You've seen-"

"Don't go, where I think you're going to go, because if that is where your going to go, my mind is going to go where is doesn't ever want to go," I muttered seriously.

"And where doesn't your mind want to go? And maybe it's already where you don't want it to go," she smirked.

"Don't use reverse psychology on me, and my mind isn't where is shouldn't be!" I glared trying to not think about two of the worst moments of my entire life.

"I've been standing here for five minutes and I'm so confused," James muttered looking between Rose and I. He sat down at the table and ate an apple.

"Shouldn't you be at work? "I asked half serious.

"Shouldn't you be on a date with Jake?" James smirked.

"Kiss my a…. Rose is ass a swear word?"

"Yes."

"Do I owe the swear jar a dollar?" I asked half seriously.

"I'll let it slide," Rose chuckled.

"In that case, James, kiss my white lily butt," I frowned. "It doesn't have the same affect as the a-word," I pouted.

James rolled his eyes and watched TV.

I took a white piece of paper and wrote a message, "I'll be back in five minutes, I need to put this on the Volvo," I sighed, James looked at me with a frown.

"Why? No one knows you broke the window," James rolled his eyes.

"Technically Emmett broke the window and unlike you, brother dearest, I have morals, as hard as that is to believe," I glared at him, he merely shrugged and continued watching TV.

* * *

I woke up the next morning to find a note slipped under my door. Underneath my writing was a response.

**Hi there,**

**I'm in apartment 14 in building Hawthorne, I accidently broke your windscreen. Please contact me so we can settle on a payment. **

**Kind regards, B.**

_Hi there, I live in the apartment right next to yours, in apartment thirteen, I'd knock on your door but it's 12am, I'll be at home all day tomorrow. _

_Regards E. _

It was 6am, DB was a sleep, I didn't want to leave here alone in the apartment, so instead I wrote a reply back and put it under his door.

I made a pot of coffee, waffles, bacon, and two bowls of cut up fruit. I also made a bottle of formula and out it on the counter, DB is bound to wake up again soon and hungry as hell.

The was a light knock on the door, "it's opened!" I yelled gently.

I was putting the food out on the table, my large cup filled with strong black coffee and no sugar.

I didn't bother saying anything instead sipping out of my coffee.

I was about to see the man that fucked crazy cat lady until she roared.

Looking up to find a pair of moss green eyes staring back at me, as well as copper hair.

"Hi I'm…"

_Oh, I know who you are, you're Doorstep Baby's daddy_, I looked at him with wide eyes.

* * *

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**This one is a little short but it has its moments haha. **

**Like always leave a review of your favourite things or just something quirky. **


	5. Little Too Much

**Chapter Five- Little Too Much**

* * *

"Hi, I'm Edward," he smiled, confound it, it was dazzling. I mean him, not it.

And I could bet my entire wage this week ($800) on Edward knowing he was quite the specimen. In fact he probably takes it a step further and thinks _he IS god's gift to women. _

DB's (Doorstep Baby, let's face it DB is easier to say) daddy, is what some people would deem, 'sex-on-legs.'

_Under no circumstances do you say any of this out loud Bella! You hear me! I am your conscience! You say it aloud and then you may as well dig your motherfudging grave and not the standard six inches deep. Make it thirty inches deeper. _

"Hi, I'm Bella," my brain somehow regained connection with my jaw. Amen.

"So is this some sadistic way you ask someone out on a date?" he smirked.

"What?" I frowned; Edward made himself at home, pouring himself a cup of coffee.

"Well, you sent a rattle through the windscreen of my car, I figured it was a cry for sex or something," DB's daddy is most definitely a conceited prick.

"Look here meat head, I don't want NOR need to get a date with the world's most boorish man who sleeps with women who roar. It shows you have some stability issues, of all the women to sleep with! One that roars?!" I glared, taking a large swig of coffee.

I clearly thought it was whisky. My tongue is feeling the after affects of that long swig of scalding hot coffee.

_Don't spit it out! Don't spit it out! You're making a point! Man up and swallow! MAN UP DAMN IT!_

Never in my life have I wanted to maim someone as badly, as I do now.

"So you're jealous?" his eyebrows rose, a smirk gracing his lips still.

Clearly there was no way to get through his thick skull that I have no interest in him! If this is how karma treats me for doing a good deed, it can most definitely suck my imaginary dick! This is the last good deed I take!

"Yes, I'm so jealous that your sexual preference is lunatics that think they come from the African safari," I rolled my eyes. "Look just tell me how much your damned windscreen costs so I can pay you back," I glared at the copper haired dickhead.

And then it occurred to me, I could saddle him with DB right now and completely blow up his conceited little bubble of arrogance.

But I thought better of it, I should probably break it to him slowly, in small doses.

"I'm not quite sure, I mean that's the new S60," Edward scratched his head looking at the pictures hanging about my lounge/dining room.

"Well get it changed, bring me the receipt and I'll pay you back," I snickered, Edward glared at me this time, his smirk out of sight.

"Smart ass," he muttered.

"By the way, do you know someone called Tanya?" I asked casually, his eyes narrowed further.

"Why?" he asked defensively.

"Just curious," I muttered, taking another sip of coffee, Edward mimicked my movements.

"I may have, why? Are you her new private stalker?"

"I wouldn't stalk you if someone paid me a million dollars," mentally I knew that was a lie, a million dollars is a lot of money.

"So then, why the second degree?" he asked.

"I've been looking for _Tanya's_ Edward," I shrugged nonchalantly.

"Look, just tell her it was one night of complete stupidity on my part, that will NEVER be repeated again," he glared at me with such force.

One night that has left you the father of a little girl, I smirked.

"What's with the sinister smile?" he asked hesitantly. No more, Mr I'm-a-cocky-twat.

"Give me a second, help yourself to breakfast," I smiled pleasantly an went into my room to find DB still asleep, her fingers in her mouth, I found the papers on my night stand and brought it out to the dickhead.

"You might want to read those," I snickered, Edward was eating some bacon.

He read legal documents, he had some understanding and looked through the other papers fast until he found the letter.

"Fuck," he muttered, "this must be Alice's way of saying stop fucking around," he muttered more to himself, all the while I was enjoying my breakfast, because right in front of me was something you don't see on TV.

Real life can sometimes be the best soap opera.

Edward stopped moving for about ten minutes, he just stared at the letter and birth certificate; meanwhile I was enjoying the waffles.

That was until DB begun wailing loudly, I groaned and rushed to get her. Her face was scrunched up, I could smell the crap and groaned.

I changed her dipper before taking her out to feed her. Edward still hadn't moved.

"Look DB, it's your dumbass daddy," I whispered making her giggle, she had an outstretched hand on my cheek and I kissed hers making her giggle some more.

Edward finally looked up to find the baby.

"I'm not ready for kids," he looked utterly beaten, he got up and walked out of the apartment. Pussy.

"Don't worry DB, he'll come around," I smiled hesitantly.

False hope isn't my usual thing.

With Edward leaving, I quickly texted Rose.

**DB's daddy lives right next door! –B**

_Hot? Or old? –R_

**Old, wrinkly and senile –B **

Hot or old? Why couldn't he be both, why wasn't she asking hot or butt ugly? Not that I rate people based on facial features. That's immature. Henry Cavill has the sexiest face and body! Hot damn!

_Well that's a shame, B. –R_

**Why? –B**

_To set you up of course! He must have been hot when he was younger! –R_

**I would never date Edward. I don't know R,, I think his personality would have ruined ANY affect of his good looks. –B**

Enough for me too love the old man who offered to be MY Edward whilst being butt naked. Not that I had an Edward.

_Meh, with good looks comes arrogance –R_

I stopped texting her, instead I focused my attention on Mr Twinkles that strolled in as if he owned the place. He dropped to the ground and rolled on to his back and meowed.

"I'm not touching you, W.H.O.R.E," I smiled, if I spelled out my swears I won't have to pay a stupid dollar! I smirked. Mr Twinkles wriggled around and I just smirked some more, eating breakfast whilst watching DB in the playpen.

I wasn't going to think about Edward's reaction, instead I let it go. After all, he'll be back, it is his daughter.

"Well DB, your dad is an A grade, A.S.S.," I sighed, "but he'll come around," I smiled at her, but she was staring at Mr Twinkles who was rubbing himself all over the playpen.

Edward stumbled back into the apartment. "One question, why the hell do you have the kid?" he asked eyebrows drawn together, cocky Eddie was nowhere.

"You're dumbass ex-girlfriend can't read numbers," I rolled my eyes, I grabbed two dollars off of the dining table and threw it into the swear jar. It was worth it.

"How do I know this isn't some ploy-"

I cut him off, "look I don't know, I haven't met Tanya, she just left your bundle of joy at my door," I deadpanned. "By the way, maybe you should start dating someone that has a brain floating around in the empty cavity where a brain should be."

Edward just stared at me, before strolling in and sitting down next to me and helping himself to breakfast.

"Shouldn't you be in your apartment wallowing? Not eating my breakfast," I glared as he ate some bacon.

"I would but there's be no fun in doing so," he shrugged, "plus I'm hungry, your owe me for breaking my windscreen. Oh, you also invited me to breakfast remember," he waved the piece of paper about freely.

"That was before you turned out to be a hot-dumbass," I threw another dollar coin into the jar. That swear was not worth it, because my stupid mouth, which seems to be missing a filter, added hot before dumbass.

I wish I could shove my foot up my own ass, for that slip up.

Edward was enjoying himself when the twins (Marcus and Alec) barged in, sat themselves down and ate. Emmett and James were at work, but I figured these two knuckleheads would come.

Edward and I both stared at them for a good five minutes, "are you not going to address the new guy?"

Marcus was the first to look up and see Edward, "meh, as long as his human, we could not care less," he shrugged, Alec tried to say something but his mouth was full of waffle and bacon.

"Beah, han," Alec chewed.

They resumed eating obliviously, Edward just shrugged and inhaled food like the other two, whilst I ate in contemplative silence.

Marcus and Alec left after raiding my cupboard for snacks, all that was left was Edward, DB, Mr Twinkles and I.

"So I take it you're here for DB?"

"I guess I am," Edward nodded, "I mean it's obvious she's mine," he rolled his eyes. "Lord help me, she'll be a devil of a kid," he was know talking to himself, "Mum and Dad will never find out about this lapse of judgement!" he vowed vehemently.

"Don't you think it would be a tad hard to hide a child from them?" I asked not the least bit interest, but I just wanted to see if he'd go on as if he'd asked himself the question…

Edward snapped his attention to me. Well I guess he noticed I was still here… in _my _apartment.

"Oh I hardly ever see them," Edward shrugged, "although I do see my father at work, it's not like I'll be bringing the kid to work with me," he snickered, running a hand through his copper hair. "Again, remind me why you asked me for breakfast?" he had a smug look on his face.

Prickward is back.

"I felt bad for you, plus I was hoping to appeal to your rational side," I rolled my eyes. Now that I think about it, asking a stranger to breakfast was pretty damned rash. Maybe I just wanted to see the man who was fucking fifty-shades-of-grey-lady.

"Why were you appealing to my rational side?" he waggled his eyebrows suggestively, "going through a dry spell and thought I could help you?"

I looked at him, I mean really looked at him. Was this mothfucker being serious? Dry spell? Who the fuck does he think he's talking to! Sonofabitch.

"Yes, Edward, take me here, whilst I'm eating my breakfast," I glared, he put his hands up in the air in surrender. "If you don't stop with the dirty shit," I thew another dollar in the jar, "I will not hesitate to shove my foot up your lily white arse," I threw another dollar into the jar...again.

Worth it.

Edward looked half surprised, "alright, I'll try to be on my best behaviour," he chuckled, "no promises though, buttercup," his eyes glittered.

"Well I have work at ten, take your kid," I glared, Edward looked as if someone had told him his cat was dead. The next-door neighbour ran over it.

"I don't know a thing about kids," he looked at me wide eyed, "I mean I've fucked mothers before," I shuddered, way too much information copper top! Way too much. "I don't know how to look after one! I diagnose them, treat them and then send them on their merry little way! I've never had one under my care…. For more then two hours!" he was back to his inner monologue setting.

"Oh good grief! Alice cannot find out she has a niece! That kid will not survive! I will not survive if there is pink shit in my house!" Edward paced, "imagine the horror when Alice takes the kid shopping and buys her every piece of clothing in the world. I'll be broke, destitute and then living with the kid in a mother fucking pink cardboard box," he slumped into the couch.

One hand covering his eyes and the other in his hair.

DB begun crying loudly, which drew Edward's attention, he stood up and leaned over the playpen and looked down in rapture, picking her up gingerly.

"Well I'm you daddy," he smiled, and DB did what she usually does.

"MOTHER OF FUCK."

I was on the floor laughing. I absolutely love DB.

"Oh you're the devil's child," he murmured looking down at his soiled clothes.

* * *

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**Love B**


	6. You Give Me Something

**Chapter Six- You Give Me Something**

* * *

It's been almost a week, Edward managed to find himself a babysitter, I have my apartment back and my eight hours sleep…except when Edward boinks this said 'babysitter.'

It's the start of the netball season (not my favourite sport, just conveniently starting today), I'd gotten myself a supreme pizza, some beers and a pair of ear phones, I turned the tv on and used the laptop to watch spongebob square pants. Why do I have the TV on?

Well to make it look like I'm doing something… and to drown out the boinking. The loud repetitive boinking.

I woke up to a loud persistent banging on my door, a piece of pizza on my face, an ear phone lost down my shirt, the netball had moved on to racy adds and one hell of a deformed person on tv (scary movies….).

"BELLA!" Edward thumped the door, I checked the time, it was bloody four am in the morning.

I sluggishly got up and opened the door and glared at the copper top in his blue scrubs.

Edward looked me up and down, DB looked frustrated, crying her little heart out.

"This better be good," I grunted, Edward looked at me and kind of cocked his head to the left and pulled the piece of pizza off of my face and ate it. EW.

"So I was like wondering-"

"Don't talk like a teenage girl, I might be persuaded to knee you in the balls," I glared.

Edward held a hand up in surrender. "Okay look, I need you to baby-sit April for twelve hours…please," the last part came out after some deliberation, and it looked as if he cut his arm off to say it too.

"Why can't you get the babysitter your doinking to do it for you?" I grunted.

Edward blushed brightly. "Well I would but she eh, well I umm, you see-" Edward's eyes zeroed in on my chest.

"Hey, Dickward, my face isn't here," I clicked my fingers at where his eyes were. "Up here," I clicked around my face, "is where my face is….at a boy," I glared.

"You're not wearing a bra, is that an invitation for a bit of action?" Edward wiggled his eyes brows.

"Don't you have somewhere to be?" I growled, pulling DB into my arms and slamming the door in his face.

* * *

I don't think very well in the morning, my best thinking hours are usually after twelve pm. DB wouldn't stop crying and I just cried with her, for a good four hours we both cried until my mother came over with some highlands teething tablets. She rolled her eyes at me and placed it under the baby's tongue and cradled her.

I, on the other hand, was left to tend my own fractured nerves. Still crying like a baby.

"WAAAAH WAAAH WAAAAAAAAH!" Emmett cried with the baby, I had half a mind to bitch slap him.

James was slouched over on the sink trying to helplessly wash one measly saucepan. Mum was trying to cradle the baby, I found and opened window and tried to climb out until Mum suavely grabbed my shirt and pulled me back in.

"Death looks appealing," I grunted and Mum merely rolled her eyes.

"How do you think your dad and I felt when you and tweedle dumb, there, were born?" she jerked her thumb back at James with a deadpan voice.

"Suicidal? Homicidal? Genacidal?"

"Genacidal-"

"Shut up Benjamin, or I will make your balls retreat up your body," I sprouted. Benjamin held his hands up in surrender before backing away quickly.

Mum handed me DB before shooing out all of her kids… and unfortunately my siblings out of the apartment.

"Run children, the dragon is piiissssseed," she hissed laughing.

I had half a mind to throw the TV on to her brand new lexus. Evil old-

* * *

A further nine hours later, I'd finally gotten DB asleep, and I was almost asleep too, my brain wandering to Ben Barnes… Ian Somerhalder…

You know, dreamland men. Smoking hot, and oddly sweet... if only they were accessible. Ben Barnes was talking about marriage or something a rather and I was enthralled, staring at his lips as he talked about his further aspirations until-

"BELLA!" someone thumped on my door. Not someone. Copper top. I managed to jump out of my own skin, a feat never before preformed.

"Mother fudging, son of a fudger, I'm going to fudge the shit out of him," I grabbed a cushion and opened the door to find Edward standing there looking a little worried.

I brought the cushion over and over again on his head. "Ow…hey…wait…dude…seriously?... ow…..ooooowwww," I slammed it hard into his face, with a satisfied smile, and then a few more times in the face before letting go and throwing the cushion behind me.

"Feeling better?" he deadpanned, running a hand through his sex hair.

"Much."

Edward shrugged and stared at DB who was asleep, "well that's a miracle," he scratched his head and smiled a little.

I turned around and made my way to the kitchen and popped a peppermint into my mouth. "You owe me."

"Isn't sending a rattle through my windscreen enough?" Edward smirked.

"Grrrr," I glared at him before chucking an apple at his head, which he suavely ducked into a wall. I couldn't help but laugh as his face met my crème coloured wall.

"I think I have concussion," he mumbled before standing up and walking into the island, which sent him flying over it, which made me laugh uncontrollably.

I had to try and stop and gulp for air but it was impossible, laughter was choking my throat.

Edward's copper hair peaked over the island and glared, it just made me laugh more, James jingled his keys and opened the front door to find Edward on the floor looking suspiciously over the counter top, and me doubled over with laughter.

James looked between us and DB before retreating backwards through the door, and closing the door, locking it and I believe he left.

I was still laughing like an inconsiderate bitch, I can't help it, it was an amazing few minutes.

Edward still looked at me from over the top of the island, I snickered and breathed a few times loudly.

"Alrighty," I chuckled, "I'm done, you can come out of hiding."

"Are you sure?" he glared.

"Yes," I smirked, he slowly got up the right side of his face was red and I pissed myself with laughter.

He rolled his eyes and glared, "you said you were done!"

"Oh Edward, you give me something…" I pondered, "a rare hilarity I've never experienced."

He merely glared before scooping up DB and leaving.

"Love you! Boo Booo!" I antagonised, "bye pudding cup."

* * *

**Short chapter I know! Sorry guys!**

**Severe case of blockage within the small brain located between my ears!**

**Hope you enjoy this chapter and hopefully same time next week you'll be getting another chapter with Bella's awesome professor… **

**Kind regards Bridget **


	7. Bad

**Chapter Seven – Bad**

* * *

It's Tuesday and I'm going into uni to do some pre-work and the speak to the head of med sciences. My professor isn't a normal, she's…well she's conventional and Edward had saddled me with his baby daughter because he has work, I wanted to slap him when he woke me up at four am again.

So that's how I landed in my professors office bouncing DB on my lap and reading about a new medication that has been launched to maximise the life span of those who are in the last stages of

I sat down in the office flipping through a New Science magazine going through a new medical treatment used for cancer patients to increase their life span. Half way through the article my professor called me in and I sighed tossing the magazine back on the pile and walking into the office with a somewhat hesitance.

"Morning Bella," she smiled warmly as she looked up from the student file I assume was mine, her eyes widened at seeing the baby.

"Morning Professor," I shrugged, she examined the baby closely whilst I stood there awkwardly, she seemed to deep in thought, so I let it be.

"That baby looks an awful lot like someone I know very well," she blinked a few times. "I wasn't aware-"

The door opened and Edward walked through looking slep deprived and on the verge of becoming a zombie, he took no heed of me standing in the corner. "Hey Mum, you told Dad you need to see me ASAP," he ran a hand through his hair.

Professor Cullen turned toward Edward slowly, she looked at her son blandly, "Edward, how many times do I have to tell you to know before you enter," she scolded. "Edward meet Bella, and who I believe is my grand-daughter," Professor Cullen waved a hand at me, Edward froze, and turned to me slowly.

Edward was at my side immediately. "Mum did I forget to introduce ou to my fiancée," Edward grinned.

My jaw was most definitely on the floor, my eyes had tumbled out of y sockets and were on the floor, lucky DB had a tight grasp on the front of my shirt, because I was pretty sure my knees gave way.

Edward's had tightened as he held me up, almost carrying me to a seat.

"Yo, what?" I finally got out and Edward pinched me, he wuickly turned to me and grinned.

"Sorry sweets, I'm afraid you've just met you future mother-in-law," he grinned at me, his eyes screamed, _GO WITH THE FLOW PLEASE!_

I thought about it for a few seconds, weighing up the hilarity of the issue with the seriousness of marriage.

"Pleased to meet you Mrs Cullen, I've heard a lot about you," now that I closely examined my Professor I was wondering how I never made any connection between Edward and her. I stuck out my free hand, Edward's shoulders relaxed immediately.

Esme looked between us as if she were trying to wrap her head around it. "But Edward you were gone to Africa, how did this happen," Esme was focused on the baby.

Edward's face read, _your telling me lady, I didn't know she existed until about a week ago, plus you're the head of medicine, you should know where baby's come from? I'm starting to question to validity of your education and degrees, Mum._

Well if he wasn't thinking it, I definitely was, Professor Cullen wasn't a professor I saw often, unless she took on a few lectures and occasionally she did consultations, this year she was leading two of the four courses I was doing this semester. We'd met twice before almost three years ago…. I'd definitely be seeing more of her this year, and then it hit me, this entire charade was a bad idea!

She has the capability to ruin my career. I looked up at Edward.

"Actually Mrs Cullen this is all-"

"Is all overwhelming, for my fiancée, Mum, let me take you back to our apartment, with our daughter," Edward looked at me forcefully before waving goodbye to my Professor and dragging me out beside him.

It wasn't until we were in his car parked all the way in the middle of nowhere that he turned to me with big doey eyes.

"YOU! YOU SON OF A-"

"Now, now Bella, you've been doing so well today, don't ruin it now by swearing," he muttered.

"YOU BASTARD!"

"One dollar to the jar," he muttered.

"I'm not pretending to be your fiancée," I glared, Edward took DB out of my arms and sat her down on his lap.

"Look Bella it's just for a few days until I find a way to tell them I kind of…well got some random girl pregnant and she left this on my door step," he tickled DB who giggled.

"Man up and grow a pair," I glared.

"Look Bella, my parents aren't…well-"

"Their conventional, I know! I don't care, don't drag me into your shit," I yelled throwing my hands up in exasperation.

"Your mother will be my lecturer for two of my four courses and your asking me to parade about as your fiancée," I grunted, "I'm pissed at you boy."

"That's three dollars," Edward grinned, "and you'll still do it thought, because remember you broke my windscreen," he smirked, "this will liquidate that incident."

I raised my eye brow as tempting as the offer was, "I can't do that to your parents, I believe in Karama Edward," I sighed resting my hands in my lap.

"Look Bella, I will do and promise you anything if you do this for me," Edward pleaded, running a free hand through his hair.

"Tempting."

"I know, anything you want, even booty calls," he winked.

"You need to quit the innuendo for two months and stop bringing weird girls over and banging them senseless-"

"You wish it was you I was banging don't you?" he wiggled his eyebrows.

"Don't push it," I glared.

"Okay look, I can't cut out innuendo, that's just who I am and how I do," he shrugged.

"No deal."

"Okay, how about I get two innuendos a day and that's it," he looked at me with his shinning mossy green orbs, turning them into big doey eyes.

Fuck.

"How long?" I deadpanned.

"Just a month or two," he grinned.

"You only get two innuendos a day for however long this shit goes on," I smarted.

"You owe the jar four dollars, five if you count that f-word you had in your mind a few minutes ago," he shrugged.

I looked at him a little spooked, he looked somewhat taken aback too.

"Eh, my car is on the other side of campus, so I guess I'll see you when I see you," I got out, pulling DB into my arms before leaving Edward alone in the car.

* * *

Rose was sitting on the kitchen bench, sipping on a margarita. "So you did what today?" she couldn't grasp the fact that I'd made a deal with, quite possibly, one of Satan's minions.

"I thought you said he was old and senile," Rose looked at me with wide eyes.

I didn't really need to explain that Edward was in fact in his late twenties and in a league of his own, for the dickhead just walked in.

"You owe the swear jar six dollars," he smirked.

"I've really got to start locking the door in the afternoon, who knows what kind of psychopaths may walk in," I directed at Edward who put a hand over his fake wound.

"Ouch," he laughed, looking over at Rosalie with his charming smile, in a million dollar suit (not really, he just looked pretty damn fuckable).

"Seven dollars," he muttered, but grinned at Rose. "Hi I'm Edward," he stuck his hand out, Rose stuck out hers too, he gently kissed her knuckles.

"Rosalie," she blushed, the bitch blushed.

"Eight dollars," Edward turned to me tsking.

"Stop doing that! Can you read minds?" I glared.

"No, you just make a peculiar evil face when you're swearing in your head," he shrugged. "Pleasure to meet you Rose," he smiled blithely.

"Well you're definitely not old, senile or wrinkly," she looked him up and down, openly.

Edward looked at her baffled, Rose didn't elaborate but ended with this, "but you're definitely down right fuckable," she smirked leaving my apartment.

"Wait we-" I didn't finish because she was gone, Edward looked at the door which she walked through.

"Well she's-"

"Something else, yeah we all know," I rolled my eyes and pulled out some left over lasagne, "you want some?" I asked in a bored tone.

"You're being very…domestic. Thank you, however I ate at work, dear," he smiled sweetly.

"Condescending doesn't suit you, sweetheart," I lightly slapped his cheek before moving around him to get to the oven.

I left the kitchen and sat on the couch, DB was in the basinet, I was still mad at Edward, he sat down next to me. "Look you can't still be angry at me." He murmured.

"Yeah I can, you're asking me to deceive your family, and my professor," I sighed, this was a bad idea, I could feel it.

"I know but it's for a good cause," Edward ran a hand through his hair.

"Good cause?" I laughed bitterly, "look you better rack up the nerve to tell them soon!" I glared and he nodded.

"I promise you I will," Edward looked at me with sincerity, "as soon as I find my balls," he nodded, his mossy green eyes held a spark of laughter within them. "In the mean time though, we need collaborating stories of how we met, how we lost touch, and April and the engagement and blah….blah…blah…" I'll be honest, the blah blahs were really in my head.

* * *

Edward fell asleep on my couch, DB was fed, changed and slowly falling asleep whilst I read her a book. It occurred to me that I've never seen Edward's apartment. Then again I don't think I wanted to see his den of iniquity.

I checked my email just to kill sometime.

_**thehound **_

_Hey Bells,_

_It's Jake again, just wondering if you wanted to come to my formal._

_Love Jake._

Oh god, some people will never get the hint, I made a mental note to kick Ren in the shins. The mean time however I found myself looking for something more interesting to keep me occupied.

So I looked up Edward Cullen on the internet, I got bored, so sue me. There were more then enough Edward's in the world to drive me nuts. But I found one particular Edward, Dr Edward Anthony Cullen, son of Dr Carlisle Anthony Cullen and Dr Esme Anne Cullen. Dr Edward had an older sister, Alice Mary Cullen blah blah blah blah.

The next morning was weird, Edward was still on the couch asleep. DB was in a basinet wake with a rattle (I now hide this toy whenever Emmett and James are in my apartment) and a few other toys. Edward jumped off the couch and made a mad sprint to his apartment as if it was on fire.

I shrugged and made breakfast as usual until I could hear a shrill scream from his apartment, at first I thought it was one of Edward's bed-mate's but then I took DB and wondered over…expect the floor was….wet…. damp…saturated by h2o..or some liquid.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I knew I forgot something," he was in the bathroom yelling, I followed the sound of his voice to find the bath tub over flowing with water and bubbles.

"You take bubble baths," I looked at him weirdly, Edward ignored me.

"There goes my bond!" he kicked the door and yelped rubbing his foot.

I held back laughter knowing full well that if one escaped I'd be dead. Instead I tiptoed out until he turned around and spotted me.  
"Bella! I refuse to live with my parents!"

"So?" I asked bored, bouncing DB on my hip.

"Can I live with you?"

"Hell no!" I glared.

"Please Bella?"

"Isn't it bad enough I have to pretend to be your fiancée?" I asked tiredly, remember when I said my best decisions are made after twelve pm, I mean it.

"No, you should feel privilege, plus if you let me live with you I'll pay the bills and half the rent and I'll even help do the dishes," he grinned.

I heard help wash the dishes and just thought yes.

"Sure!" I almost fell asleep at the table.

"Best fake fiancée ever!" he kissed my cheek.

"The only fake fiancée ever," I muttered, "wait what-" Edward was already out the door bring his shit into my apartment and into he spare bedroom.

I'm just going to lock myself in my room until 12pm every day from now on! This is exactly how Ren got me to go on a date with Jake… goddamn it! People know my weaknesses!

By the time Edward had moved in everything called the landlord and let him know he'd fucked up the apartment and made appropriate calls to get it all fixed. I slept until 12pm, Edward was gone with DB, a note on the fridge read, _gone to the park to pick up women with DB._

I glared at the paper, I had almost half a mind to go scold him for using his own child, but why would I, I'm not his girlfriend, nor am I, really, anyone to him but a babysitter and now roommate.

So instead I went to the market to stock up on food, only to find Edward at the park just next to Woolworths, except he wasn't picking up women, he was in an area devoid of humans and on a blanket tickling DB and laughing with her.

So maybe the man does have a conscience.

I shook my head and bought some food for the house and popped it in the car and I also bought some edible stuff and two bottles of ice tea. Edward and DB were still on the mat near the trees, Edward seemed to be blowing raspberries on DB's stomach.

I gingerly walked over with a bag of food, grinning at the two. "Hey guys," I smiled, Edward looked up startled, DB had her hands in the air.

"Dude, don't scare me!" he muttered running a hand thorugh his messy hair.

"Sorry, I thought you were going to pick up girls," I quirked an eyebrow sitting on the blanket.

"You find it inconceivable that I'd want to spend sometime with my own child rather then use her to pick her up?" Edward looked baffled.

"Well you did doink her babysitter?"

"To be fair, she came on to me and I caved," Edward blushed, "plus I was letting off some steam."

"You let off steam by doinking anything with knockers and a pulse," I snickered.

"Different people let of steam in different ways," he shrugged, "it's been the way I let off steam for years, get blind drunk and then-" he looked at DB and back up at me, "do the naughty."

I raised an eyebrow higher, "okay, I'm going to go doink…" I looked around and pointed at a very good looking tall guy with black hair, "that guy!" I pointed at the dude.

"Oookkaayy," Edward muttered.

I continued to watch the very good looking man, who turned around an ended up being Jake, he stared at me and grinned.

"Oh fuck."

"Now now Bella Ella," I glared at Edward. "That's one dollar into the jar," he smirked. "So I take it the tall hot ungainly dude isn't what you wanted…. However why is he coming toward us?" Edward looked baffled.

"He thinks I like him…. But I don't! He's fifteen…or sixteen. All I know is any relationship with him would land me into jail!"

"You need an out, and quick smart to, because he's gaining speed," Edward smirked.

"You have a plan?" I glared.

"Oh yes, but this time you can't say it's just for my benefit," Edward laughed evilly, Jake was literally five metres away, I tired my hardest not to look at him.

Edward being the A-grade dick he is, leaned in and kissed me, pulling back, "hey babe, what do you say we go and see a movie tonight and get April here a babysitter?" Edward grinned evilly, his hand on my waist, he gave a slight pressure prompting me to answer.

"Huh…sure."

"Eh hey Bells," Jake sounded from in front of us, Edward had the right mixture of jealousy and 'who the fuck are you?' mixed in.

"Hey Jake, this is-"

"I'm Edward, her fiancée," Edward grinned, rubbing my hip.

I looked at Jake with wide eyes, Jake looked downfallen, and I winced at his wounded expression. "Sorry Jake, Edward that was private information!" I glared.

Jake looked about instead of at me, I felt like a bitch.

"Look Jake it's just-" Edward pinched me, "ow."

"It was nice to meet you," Edward smiled.

"Yeah, you too," Jake nodded to me before leaving just as quickly as he came.

"That was mean! And a lie!"

Edward shrugged, "dude, you said you'd go a long with it and plus, you wanted an out, I gave you an out!"

"Not that kind of an out! His dad and my dad are best friends you assswad!"

"Two dollars in the swear jar, " Edward deadpanned.

"MY DAD IS GOING TO RIP ME APART!" I yelled and Edward winced, rubbing his ear.

"Okay…."

"Okay is all you can say?!"

"Yeah," Edward shrugged.

"I'm so dead," I took a swig of ice tea, for the second time this month, wishing it was alcohol.

"Woah slow down there, I don't want you to get buzzed fast," he smirked.

* * *

That very same afternoon my mother called and left a message on the machine, Edward was sitting on the couch with DB cradled in his arms.

"BELLA! WE'RE GOING TO BE AT YOUR HOUSE AT SIX PM! YOU BETTER BE THERE WE'RE HAVING A LOOOONNGG TALK!" Mum screeched.

"YOUR FIANCEE IS DEAD MEAT BELLA!" Dad shrieked in the background. Edward looked at me with wide eyes.

"So…I have plans at-"

"Oh no you don't, if I'm going down, I'm taking you with me…bitch!"

I put four dollar into the jar and glared.

"Virgin ears Bella! Stop swearing," he was sweating bullets, "I'm not sure me being here is a god idea."

"CHICKEN BUCK BUUUUCCCKKK," I glared and Edward looked at me defiantly.

"Oh you are so on Barbie."

Well I wish the night ended on a high note, but alas! The day was….. well let's just say, it was exactly as we both imagined it.


End file.
